#23: From Chaos to Love: Transforming Relationships with Larry Bilotta
FEBRUARY 13, 2025
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In this episode of Courage to Heal, Anna interviews Larry Bilotta, an expert with a unique approach of reviving relationships on the brink of collapse. Larry emphasizes that it takes one person to heal a marriage and the importance of shifting from fear to love through conscious effort. He also discusses tools like the 'Love Strands Test' and concept of the 'Chaos Kid' to help individuals understand their relationship dynamics and improve them. Larry's insights provide hope, showing that even one motivated individual can transform a marriage.
[01:36] Understanding Family Energies
[06:22] The Concept of Reactors and Creators
[08:36] The Power of Love vs. Fear
[17:31] The Illusion of Being 'In Love'
[22:50] Reactors and Their Impact
[28:33] The Love Strands Test
[32:02] The Chaos Kid and Marriage Success
[37:03] The Knowing and Its Power
Episode Links:
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Transcript
Anna: Hello friends, and welcome to Courage to Heal today. I have a very special guest for you. His name is Larry Bilotta. Larry is one of the few marriage experts who actually transformed his own marriage after 27 years of unhappiness.
And today he's here to talk about the key to bringing back a marriage from the brink of divorce, even when all the odds are stacked against you. Larry, welcome to Courage to Heal. It's wonderful to have you here.
Larry: I'm really glad to be here.
Anna: Larry, I understand that you were married for 40 years until your wife's passing in 2019, and that not all of those years were happy.
Larry: So, so my summary story is I have my 27 years of a marriage made in hell is what's, what the story was. And why was it a marriage made in hell? Well, first of all, when I, when I marry in 1974, I don't know anything. I don't know anything about people. I don't know anything about myself. I don't know anything about my wife.
I don't know anything. So I have no insights about anything. So now all I have is I have the discovery that I married a girl who I later found out, but not that did not the time I did it in 1974. But I found out that she was raised by parents that were mean and forceful and cruel you know, throwing a truck at a, at a son's head, you know, because they were mad at him, you know, that kind of thing.
And so she saw that she was raised around that, that meanness. So, I teach this idea called how did I end up here and how do I end up here? This is, this is my little illustration of how did I end up here? And what it shows is it shows five families of energies that can happen in a family.
And so, the first three are selfishness, fear, and meanness. And so in each of those three families, there's a group of, of, of energies that like selfishness has greed insensitivity, self-centered, thoughtless. That's, that's the selfish family. Whereas the fear family contains worry and doubt and anxiety and paranoia, right?
So those are the kinds of things that are in the family, right? Or meanness has a rage, cruelty, anger. You, so you see that the energies that support the theme is, is related, right? And so then there's, there's two families that are, that are really good. So success is one family. And so that contains a work ethic, a discipline, a service oriented self-confidence, those kinds of things.
Goodness is the other family, which has moral standards, optimism, self-control, kindness, patience, right? So this is the, the, the way to see. This, this world of how did I end up here? So what's in the center of the pictures, what's in the center of the picture as a whole, and there's a baby being dropped into the top of the house.
Well, that's kind of what happens to us. We get dropped into a house, right? And so whatever house you're dropped into, you could be dropped into a family with a lot of selfishness, a lot of fear, a lot of meanness. And now you're going to carry those qualities in you, in your mind. And that's what you're going to end up living like.
So if you grow up in a home that has success and goodness, those families. What do you have? Success and goodness themes about you. That's your attitude. That's your mood. That's your feeling. That's the way you treat people, right? So success and goodness become the way you are. So we don't ever get absolutely one or absolutely the other.
What we get is a mix of these. And so what, what my wife Marcia got is she got meanness and she got selfishness, right? So she got those two. I got selfishness. And success, right? So with selfishness and success, I became a very selfish person working hard to succeed. Well, well, she got the same thing, but she didn't get the success part.
But what she did is she manufactured the success part herself. And so she was a very driven woman, always pushing me to do more and get more and be more. But she was doing it with meanness. And so when she turned on the meanness, I turned on my shutdown system because my parents shut down. They didn't talk about things that were difficult.
They stopped talking. So what did her parents do? They just got meaner. They threw things. They hit, they yelled, right? So, so she's growing up in this family of meanness and, and, and fear. I'm growing up in, in selfishness and success. And so whatever's going to happen in that world, whatever's going to happen in that story is going to happen in these, how did I end up here failings.
And so one of the things I, I have you know, I have a lot of things on the internet. But one of the things I have is aimed at men and it's a, it's an article titled husbands you've been warned and it's called husbands you've been warned. Because it's, it's all about, you could lose your wife to a midlife crisis.
Right? So I'm, I'm writing this to men to like, you don't know this is coming. You don't know what family you grew up in. You don't know anything. You're just like Larry Bilotta. You don't know anything. So, so because I now discovered some things and I can explain some things, that's why I wrote husband.
And so if people want to find husbands, you've been worn they just have to enter husbands, you've been worn Bilotta on, on the search bar. Right. So they'll find that and so they, they can get into that, the husband's you've been warned idea. But all these ideas that are in husbands, you've been warned.
Is it's, it's all of a sudden this, I decided, how did you, how did you end up here? Well, nobody I know talks about how did I end up here? They don't, they don't think that way. They don't, they don't talk that way. They don't explain that way. What I hear is people who get busy living life and raising children and having houses and working jobs, and they get busy with tasks and one task after another.
And the tasks are so big and so important to these people. They stop talking. And that's something that just starts and why did it start that way? Because that's what their parents did. They stopped talking. They became task driven. They needed to, to do and get mayonnaise and buy food for the cat. You know, they had that that's because that's the thought that they, they always.
Cared about, get them to the next thing, do the next thing, be the next thing, right? That became their way of life. So when I talk about the, you know, my big idea is it takes one to heal the marriage and then people that, Oh, you know, that this flies in the face of it takes two to tango, you know, and those stories that people tell.
And so why do I say it takes one? So if I, if I simplify, why does it take one? Why does it not take two to tango? Why does it take one? Because one person becomes a person who creates and one person stays a reactor. Now, normally what the couple does is they marry. And they are reactors. And what that is, is a person who reacts to every stimuli in the world.
Every sight, every sound, every feeling, every touch, everything they're reacting to it. Like, oh, whoa, what happened? Like, so they're reacting, right? And so when they're reactors, they're reacting to each other. So she says something to him and he reacts to it. Then she reacts to his reaction, and she reacts to his reaction, and reaction, reaction, reaction, and it keeps on going that way.
And so now, if you can picture two reactors living for 5, 10, 15 years reacting, and reacting, and reacting, what's going to happen to those people? Well, they can't live in it, and the reason why is because one person is going to snap. One person is going to say, I don't like this. I don't know what this is, but I don't like this reaction system because I'm just so tired.
Because that's what reaction does. Reaction makes you tired, right? So why does it take one to heal a marriage? Well, one person stops living like that. One person stops being a reactor and they become what I call a creator. Why is it called a creator? Because they create with their mind. They don't create with their body.
They don't create with their mouth. They create with their mind. And so in their mind, what they're doing is starting, starting to think. Better and better thoughts, kinder thoughts, more loving thoughts. And so they start moving out of the world of fear and into the world of love. And so they start moving more and more and more.
So when a person is leaving a place called fear and a person is moving into a place called love, they're starting to feel better personally themselves. They start to feel before that person they're married to reacts in any way. They're feeling better because they're moving towards love. So that job of moving out of fear and moving towards love is the most important job in a relationship.
But why does it take one? Because one person becomes a creator, one person changes their mind, one person moves out of the world of fear and into the world of love. And so that's really what the simple idea I'm talking about all the time, over and over again. Because, you know, some people get around me, they get tired of, of hearing it, you know, get out of the world of fear, move into the world of love.
And so that job of moving from fear to love is not simple. It's not even easy. It's not simple or easy. So why are people want even wanting to do it? Because they want something that only love can give them. Only love can heal. Only love can mend. Only love can replace mistakes and wipe out bad events.
Only love can do that. Because in the world of fear, a lot of people got to understand the world of fear is a really, really complicated place. It's a dark, sinister, suspicious kind of place. That's got all the words that have the English language that are negative. And there's probably a thousand words like that.
So that thousand words is the world of fear. And when you're in those words in the world of fear with a thousand words, you're, you don't know what's happening to you. You don't know how you even got there. And so one of the features of the world of fear is called analysis what they teach in college Analysis, right and they proudly say I analyzed it and I came up with this conclusion, right?
So what happens in the world of fear is you analyze your relationship? And you analyze it 10 ways from Sunday, and you say, well, this is because of this. And this is because of that. And you're giving all these “because” and all these versions of explanation, but you don't know it. You're in the world of fear because you're in the world of fear.
You're not solving anything. So in contrast to that world of fear is the world of love. So how do we know about the world of love? Well, so I give this assignment of creating two lists and the two lists are made of the thousand words of fear, which the way you have to find those words is you find them by entering the words on the internet, negative words.
That's how you find them. So negative words. And when you type in negative words, up comes all kinds of lists of negative words. And so then you can make the second list, which is positive words. And when you say positive words, the internet will give you lists and lists and lists of positive words. So that will overwhelm you and blow you away.
So you can't find the thousand that way. So when I, what my assignment is, is what you need to do is go to that list that you look up on the internet with negative words. And then you start going one by one and looking for a word you personally relate to. And if you can relate to it, if you feel there's something in your history, something that connects to you, you can now write it down.
And so now there you have a list, a list of negative words, and it's not just any list, it's your list. So nobody can just publish a list. It's got to be your list. That means the words got to matter to you. And so that's true on the, on the negative side, on the positive side, when you enter the positive words list, you're going to get thousand positive words, right?
So what are you going to do? You got to hand select them. You have to pick the words that have a experience in your life. A feeling in your life a, a sensitivity that you feel about the word, somehow that positive words got to meet up with you inside. And so when you have the list, 25 is what I'm saying, that 25 represents a thousand on the negative side, on the fear side, that 25 represents a thousand. There's my list. Handwritten by the way.
Handwritten. And the reason it's handwritten and this is an eight and a half out of a piece of paper. It's handwritten because when you handwrite a word. You're now writing the energy into letters and the energy is now in your handwriting So you can't type it out. You've got to write it out so I had 25 words and I contrasted them to my 25 love words. And so the more I start to look at the two. The more I make a decision, and decision is really important when you make that decision. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be there. I don't want to be here. And then you look at your list and you start to feel the list.
You feel the list because those words are not letters. They're not words. Like we like to think of words because before humans spoke, they felt things. And then later they made sounds. To talk about their feelings, right? So that's really what those words are. Those words are energy fields. Like crazy is an energy field.
Dirty is an energy field. And it's got synonyms around it, right? If you want to identify. But it's an energy. And so when you've got 25 energies, you're really feeling fear. You're feeling it and you're not liking it. And so when you finally can make a decision like that, where you can go, you know, I don't want to live like this.
And so you may not know how to make the move. You might not know, but one thing I can, I can really promise you is if you make the list, the two lists and you keep exercising, by the way, and in that two weeks that I first started to use this, I would glance back and forth five seconds, like glancing back and forth.
What am I doing? I'm feeling the list. I'm feeling fear. I'm feeling love. I'm feeling fear I'm feeling love and that in the beginning is just a little bit but as you keep doing it more and more and more You start to go Boy, these are my words. I picked these. I like these. These feel good to me. These are energies.
I like to live in these energies. I want to be here. And so that's a decision that you're making in your mind. And if you're making that in your mind, you're not going to get stuck in the world of fear so quickly. So it's not something that's like an overnight success. This is something you really got to pull yourself into.
When I talk in my classes, I talk about making the list and then I'll be talking to somebody and they'll be struggling with something. I'll say, did you make your two lists? I'm working on it. And then they'll say this really interesting idea. I came up with a fear list really fast, but the, but the love list is hard.
What are they saying? They're saying I've been vibrating in fear all my life, but I don't understand this love thing at all. What a normal thing to say, I'm not, I'm not vibrating in love. I don't know anything about it. I can't even come up with the doggone list.,
Anna: So, if you're living in this world of fear and like you said, you're a reactor in a relationship, right?
Cause you, you get into a relationship from this world of fear and so does your partner, how can you possibly get to this world of love unless one of you wakes up? And so it's doing this kind of work.
Larry: Well, that's what I call the stayer. The stayer is the person who stays. And, and they have my, of, of they have their partner collapse and run away.
But when the stay or stays, they're very determined. It's like your title, Courage to Heal. They have the courage to heal. And so what is their courage? Their courage is I can do something better than I'm doing. And they have the ability to do it, to even move in that direction. The reason I talk about the two lists so much.
Is because that is a foundation, simple, simple idea.
And so like people tell me coming up with the love list was very hard. Why? Cause you don't, you don't think of those words, you don't use those words. So I look at some of the words on my, on my lovely what's there is Inspiration courage, belief, divine, friends, hug. Quality safe, right.
Those are the words. And those are all words that I relate to. So all those words mean something to me. So meaning is a really big deal. That's why you put the words on the list. Likewise, you put the words on the fear list because they mean something to you. Cause you've had an experience with them.
And so now you, you, they mean something to you. And now you're going to learn something from it. You're going to move and you're going to move gradually. So as I, as I talked about this two weeks of when I first experienced list. I started to realize, you know, I'm thinking I'm a pretty positive guy.
Well, secretly I'm not, I'm not. And the reason I'm not is because I have this this thing in, in in my life that that all of us have. All right. This thing the world calls ego. And so ego has been written about for thousands of years as a very, very negative force. And it's so negative that you don't know you have it.
You don't know what it is. You don't know where it is because nobody's seen a mind. Nobody's seen an ego. So there's, there's no way to actually see it. So when, when, when you're really being controlled by ego and taken by it's contorted fears things, because that's where the ego lives, the ego lives in the world of fear.
The ego can't live in the world of love. There's no way it could survive in the world of love. That's why we got to get there. We got to get. Levy go, we've got to get into the world of love. That's the only way we can actually be rescued from it.
Anna: Oh, I love what I'm hearing. And you know, as we're speaking about love what's coming up for me, I'm thinking, okay, sometimes your partner with whom you've spent a long time might say to you, you know, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
What does that mean?
Larry: That's a great question. What does it mean? Because everybody says it it's almost like they all went to the same school and they learn from the same book I love you, but I'm not in love with you. What are they really saying? They're saying I need to respect our relationship in all these years that we spent together and on the basis of all these years I spent together.
I love you, but and what does is it wipes away everything that was just set, but I'm not in love with you. And in love is romance in love is excitement in love is interest. So, I don't have interest. I don't have excitement. I don't have attraction. I don't have the stuff with in love, right? I want to feel in love.
And so the way they talk about in love is they talk about it like a magic spell. Oh, I’m just not in love And people love, they love movies that have two people falling in love. They love it. All right They can't get enough of it, right? Why do they do that? Because they want to be in love. They want to live in love.
They don't believe that they have anything to do with the magic spell of love. They don't believe it. They think love is a magic spell that comes to you like, holy cow, I'm in love. How'd that happen? That's how they think about it. That's how they talk about it. They don't know anything about it. So I'm, I love you is in honor of our time together.
I love you. And also I don't want to be seen as a bad person. So when I say, I love you, I'm showing you that I still have redeeming qualities. I love you. I'm honoring our time together. Wipe out. I am not in love with you. And I want to be in love. And I don't have anything to do with that, by the way. I don't have anything to do with the way I think.
I don't have anything to do with what I believe. I don't have anything to do with what I imagine. I don't know anything about that. I just want the magic spell to come and it didn't come for you. So that's why I'm leaving you. So that's how they all sound. Right. And those people are called leavers because they're leaving the relationship and what they leave, they like to leave after they have kids, mortgages, houses, property, boats, cars, SUVs.
That's when they like to leave. They like to leave when it's all built up and now we blow it all apart. So, so that's what's what anchors me to, I love you, but I'm not loving you anymore. So the truth is when you become a creator. What you're doing is you're moving to the world of love and you're learning what in love is in love is I am interested in what I like about you.
I'm interested in what's your, what's good about you. In fact, when I'm, when I'm moving towards love, I don't, I don't, I don't ever look what's wrong with you. I don't think about what's wrong with you. I don't analyze what's wrong with you. I don't have a thought of what's wrong with you. Not one time. And the reason I don't because it takes me out of being in love.
It takes me away from being in love. Why would I talk about what's wrong with you when it'll take me away from being in love? But the reason I talk this way, because it takes one to heal the marriage. And that one is the creator who does that, who does that work. And so what I found in working with people is that when one creator starts creating and they start to do a really good job of it, what they're doing is they're giving out what I call the seven invisible energies.
Now, there's seven energies that are coming out all the time. Just you don't have to, you don't do anything about this. You don't, this is not something that you do. It's just coming out because you're a human being. So when we think about the seven invisible energies, the first three are my mood, my attitude, and my feelings.
And these are tied to personality. I can kind of know my mood. I can kind of know my attitude. I can kind of, and I say I kind of because fully aware people really know, but kind of aware people don't really know their mood, their attitude, their feelings. So these are tied to personality. But the next four energies are not.
Measurable, you can't know that you just have to know they exist, but you really don't know what they are. So, so what this is, is my sensitivity my energy, my frequencies, my vibrations. So my, when I have those four, I, I, those are not tied to personality. Those are really just taking whatever's in here and sending it out there.
And so all the characters in my world, my daughter, my son, my uncle, my, my boss, my partner, all those close relationships. They feel all these energies and I call these energies the waterfall. That's my nickname for it Because it's like a waterfall that never stops. It just pours and pours and pours. Now what you got to know is what's in that waterfall is what people know They know it, they can't identify it.
They can't single it out and say, “Hey, you have this.” They can't say that, but they feel something. You know why? Because they're reactors. Every last one of them, your daughter, your son, your cousin, your aunt, everybody is a reactor and because they're reactors, they feel your energies. And they react right away.
And so when they get a reaction and what's coming out of your waterfall is the world of fear and they might feel anxiety. They might feel tension. They might feel nervousness, they might feel on edge, they might feel all that stuff that could be coming out of the waterfall. Now, why is it coming up?
Cause you're not doing anything about it. That's why it's coming out. You're not doing anything. You're not leaving fear. You're not moving the love. You're not doing anything. And so what comes out of the waterfall, all the things you're, you're feeling and don't even know you're feeling. So when people feel those feelings, they all react to you.
And sometimes they react very, very badly. And they're just me and distorted and, and just like what a horrendous life that is to be, to be stuck in that. But the waterfall is very dependable because people are going to feel it. And so when you're a reactor and you get in your, you're stuck in this reaction, did you start to make your list?
You're fearless and you're loveless and you start to really be dedicated, really dedicated to every two, three, four times a day. I'm going to come to, I'm going to look at this list. I'm going to scan it back and forth. And I'm going to make that one decision. I want to be here. I don't want to be there.
And so when you made that decision, you're going somewhere right now. You're going somewhere. Now you don't know you're going somewhere, but you're going somewhere. And so what happens is you start to get one idea after another. They start coming to you. These are like caring ideas, beauty ideas, thoughtfulness, ideas, kindness, ideas, like the ideas of Christmas, you start getting all those, those ideas and you start getting them and you start going, Oh, I kind of feel good today.
Right? You start feeling better. And when you're feeling better, your energy changes, the seven energies check. And when they call out on the waterfall, all the reactors are sitting there waiting. And what happens is they make decisions. They make decisions. Right now, right that they, they get that feeling from you and they go, “Oh, I know what to do now.”
They don't talk about it. They don't ask about it. If they ask about it, they ask what's wrong, right? Or, wow, you're having a good day today, right? They react, right? Because these people, these reactors can pick up the waterfall energy. You almost don't even need to talk. You don't even need to use your mouth.
You just let the waterfall get better and better and better and start telling your stories of kindness and love and compassion and, and fun and enjoyment. Start to tell those stories and tell them and tell them, tell them, because that fills the waterfall and now you're moving the love more and more and more.
And the water, the waterfall is getting better and better. And so now the reactors gotten to sigh, Oh God, what's happening to this. This man, or this woman, what's happening, like, this is so weird. I've never seen him like this. I've never seen her like this before. What does it mean? They say to themselves, but they don't tell you, right.
They just feel inside because they're reactors and they got to make a decision. And so what they start to do is they start to decide. Oh, maybe, maybe he's not as bad as I thought. Maybe she's not as bad as I thought. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe see what happens is the reactor is not having reasonable thoughts, reasonable feelings.
Why? Cause you made it happen. You started to move to the world of love. You started to create those wonderful energies and they started thinking in a brand new way. Why not? Because they think in a brand new way, because they react in a brand new way. They're reacting to you. Now, all of us know that we all know that we live with people who are reactors.
We all know they pick up our energies and then they decide right on the spot. And sometimes they pick up the energies. It's, it disturbs them so badly. They get, they get mad. They get mad. They, they yell at us. They yell terrible things at us, right? Because that's what they do as reactors, right? So that's why it takes one to heal a marriage.
It takes one because one person is going to lead. And one person's going to follow. So the creator leads, the reactor phones, they are following you. And, and, and so, you know, when I tell this message, I get so few people listen to it and only the people who really are hurting, they really hear it, but the people who are not really in a lot of pain.
They're not like, I, I heard that guy, I don't know, it was the guy in a blue shirt. I don't know what he was. I don't know his name because that's how they talk. And they said, I don't, I don't know what it was, but I don't remember what he was saying. All I know is something about a reactor and I know I'm a reactor, right?
So if you know, you're a reactor, if you know, you're living in the world of fear, why not start? Why not start to build the tool list as a starting point? You don't have to even read a self-help book, just get on the internet, which you always love to do. You always love to be on a screen. We'll go on the screen and enter negative words and start finding 25 words that you relate to.
Enter positive words, right? 25 words you relate to. And that's big. That's going to be your beginning, your beginning of leaving this place and going to that place. I think that's the most important thing people can do, because people are so unaware, you know, aware people. There's not really a lot of 'em,
They're not, there's not a lot of them. So you, you, you just got me started, but I, I wanna talk about something in the, in this now that we're talking about love mm-hmm . There's a, there's a, a book I published and has this in it. It's called the Love Strands Test. And so the Love Strands test. It's 25 strands of love and 25 strands of love are literally like a rope.
And so when you see the big ocean ropes on ocean liners, they're made up of little strands of strength. And that's what the strands are. The strands of love literally begin when you first meet. And one, one of the strands is called attraction. And so that's your first rent, right? Attraction. Are you going to have a relationship with it?
No, you need more strands. So what are those strands? So in this book I just published, it's called this is not the woman I married. This is by the way, a book for men, but even if you're a woman, you can use the love strands test. The love strands test is a chapter in, this is not the woman I married.
But in that chapter, I list all 25 of those, those love strands. And so one of the strands is we share many of the same life values. That's a strand. Well, if you meet somebody for the very first day, can you say we share many life values? No. It takes time to build a strand. And so what are the strands?
Well, people don't know what the strands are. They don't know. And because they don't know, they can't know how their love is doing. They can't see anything. They can't know anything like, I don't know, I don't feel it. Right? That's all they know. I don't feel it. All right. But what this is, if you want to be analytical, you can be analytical with the love strands test.
So, so that's a chapter in the book this is not the woman I married. And so even if you buy the book and throw the rest away, you can get the love strands test. You can start to go through, by the way, each of you can make a score. So if you're a guy, you can go through the love strand session, come up with the score and, and the, and the, the woman you're married to or connected to she makes it her own score.
So when you get down to the bottom, you find out there's a, a low score that really indicates you're somewhere near divorce. Or when you're getting a high score, how high are you to being really happily together? So that's what the love strand test is. The reason I'm talking about the love strands is because people don't know about love. They don't know what it is They don't know where it is.
I don't know how it works. They don't know anything. And so what the love strand test is, is a way to look at the 25 strands that actually make love. And the more you are in love, the more strands you have and the stronger they are because there's people who literally their strands are breaking and they break and they break you know, in, in 2017, I broke a strand.
And 2018, 2019, I broke a strand and the, the strands snap and you don't know they snap because you don't know what the strands are. So you can't think about it. And so that's really what, what you need to get the love strands for is to really know what strands are snapping. And when they snap, like, how did I do that?
Well, you did it. Cause you're not awake. That's why you did it. Why the snap, the strand broke because you're becoming your father. You're acting like your father and you're just going up, going unconscious. And that's because you're not aware. So love strands is a, is a really great tool to help you become aware.
It's like, how did I end up here? What is that? That's a way to think about childhood. How did I end up here?
Anna: In your work, you also, and you may have explained this already, but you didn't use a specific term, but you have this term of. The chaos kid.
Larry: Yes, the chaos kid.
Anna: So, yes, can you explain that and how that relates to the success of a marriage or failure of a marriage?
Larry: Okay, so, so what we want to know is before you marry, you can literally predict the future.
You can predict the future. How can you predict the future? Well, you have to look at the childhood. So I developed a scale. I've been using the scale for 15 years. And what I do is I talk to the stayer. I don't talk to leavers because they don't want to talk to me. I talked to the stayer and I asked them about the, where they are on the scale.
So I asked about their childhood story, and I find out if there's abandonment, abuse or neglect. And if I find there's abandonment, abuse, neglect. So, so we look at the scale, it goes a very simple idea. 10, 9, 8 is purpose. That's where you're raised with purpose, seven, six, five, that's where you raise yourself.
Your parents don't really raise you. You raise yourself. You got to figure everything out on your own. Then five to zero is chaos and chaos is abandonment, abuse and neglect. So that's the scale. If I didn't have that scale, I would not know how to talk to anybody. I would just talk about situation after situation.
It would be endless and hopeless. But now for 15 years, I've been using the scale, and I've got just a, just a Like a sea of proof. That when you're raised in abandonment, abuse and neglect, you can't keep a marriage and the longest you can keep a marriage when you have all three of those is, is from, from my study is 27 years, 27 years.
That's how far people can go. They can literally live together 27 years and then everything goes crazy. So. Chaos to purpose scale tells me, okay, so a person's raised at a nine, they have really good values because they had mom and dad stay together. They had mom and dad teaching and caring about them.
That's why they're at a nine or a 10. What happens when you're raised at a two or a one? Well, now you've got values like You know, gossip and meanness and disappointment and frustration and drama and, and all that, that's all part of being raised at a two, a one and a zero, right? And I've had a lot of people I've talked to who are raised at zero, like what a sad life that is.
So a person who's raised at nine marries a person raised at zero. Can you imagine that marriage? Yes, you can. You know the scale, you know, the scale. So now I know like, so don't ask the zero to do anything. Don't ask the zero to save anything. The zero can't save anything. They don't have the values for it.
If you want to say something, go to the person who's raised at nine. They have, they've got the likelihood of being a creator. They've got the likelihood of being an environment changer and they can save the marriage because it takes one. And that's the person with the values that could do it. So then a person says, well, wait a minute, Larry.
I, I'm a chaos kid and I don't have any of that. So what happens to those people that are, they're longing for positive, they longing for love, they're born in chaos, right? There are two on the scale or a one, they say, I want, I want what the good people have. Well, I've, I've proven over the years that people who really become environment changers, they literally raise themselves up to scale.
So they might've been born in a 2 house. But they become an eight or a nine because they literally change their value system by changing their mind and that's really what our hope is. Our hope is we can change our mind. We can move up the scale, we can change our location. We don't have to live down there..
Anna: So you can, you can turn yourself from that chaos kid to a creator, to somebody who lives in the world of love.
Larry: That's right. And so that's why these symbols I'm talking about, you know, cause I'm talking about the symbols of fear to love, that's a symbol. How did I end up here as a symbol?
Love strength is a symbol. All of these things are symbols because I'm always looking for simplicity. I hate complication because I hate the world of fear because the world of fear is so distorted and so complicated and so complex that you can't solve anything. There, you can't fix anything there. So I don't like any complication.
I don't like complicated words, you know, like cognitive, that's a word. I struggled with that cognitive, cognitive behavioral therapy. That those are really big, big words, right? I don't like, like words like that because it kind of puts a wall between you and the person. So when you use big words, you're really alienating people because you're using words that the college told you are words that you're, you're supposed to use.
Right. So just don't get me started on that.
Anna: Well, Larry, all of this is great stuff. I feel like this is a big message of hope that, you know, if your marriage is not doing well, you can be the one to turn it around. You can transform it.
Larry: . So I have a thing in my course, I call it, this is my, my word, the knowing and what the knowing is, is like, if we're talking about a woman, a woman has a knowing that we're going to be together.
I don't know what it is. I don't know how messy everything is and bad, but I just know we're going to be together. I just know it. That's called the knowing. And when you have the knowing, that knowing keeps you alive. It keeps you moving and using these tools. And it's changing the environment of your mind because you've got something to move towards because you have that knowing.
And when you have that knowing, I just know, I don't know how, I don't know when, I just know, that's how they talk. I just know. And when you have the knowing, you've got a big advantage. Because it's almost like you've been given a secret revelation. All this is going to happen, but you're going to be together.
And so, so just to see, see if you've got that, that thing called the knowing. Do I have the knowing? I got the knowing.
But it's not based on anything logical. It's not based on anything. Anybody knows nobody can understand the knowing it's just like they have it and they don't know why they have it.
They just know, you know, cause, cause we're, we're interested by we're, we're the people that are in the, in the world. Some people have a sensitivity. To like divine things to souls and, and like my higher guide, my higher self guides me. And so when people talk like that, they have an awareness of spiritual things and because they have awareness of spiritual things, they can really tune into these ideas like really fast.
Anna: Okay. So Larry, so you have some online courses and also people can work with you directly in person. Is that right?
Larry: Yes. So, so the way the, the in-person works is that's called “The Environment Changer” program.
And that's actually a three-month program. And so that's what I do. I, I've talked to people once a week that are in that course. And so what I'm doing is I'm teaching all these principles week after week. And they're, they're getting the online course, which is a video course. And then they're talking to me every week.
And they're also talking to the women or the men that are in the course as well. And so, so they're getting the encouragement from those people. Remember what those people are of men and women that are learning. These ideas are taking them, you know, taking them in, reinterpreting them in their own way, and then they come up with their own conclusions.
And so what they do is they teach each other or they teach new people who are coming into the course. And so that's a very support, a big support group. And so the men and the women, they get so close that they get in planes and cars to go see each other. And I don't even do that. I don't even get in that at all.
They do that on their own. But, but that's what happens when you're moving into the world of love. You see, you've become so positive and the people with you become so positive that you now want to be together.
Anna: I'll make sure to include all of that in my show notes, so people can find you easily.
Larry, thank you so much for joining me today. This interview was really interesting, really enlightening. I'm sure people love hearing how, you know, it's not all hopeless. You can save your relationship, even if it's just one of you working to save it. Yeah. So thank you so much for being here, Larry.
Larry: Thanks, Anna, I appreciate it.
Anna: And for all of you listening, I hope you leave feeling a little lighter and more empowered. So take care of yourselves and until we meet again, be kind to your heart.
